You wake up hazy -- perhaps a little hung-over and still tasting those apple-tinis from the previous night. Across from you in the king size bed, an aging baseball superstar stirs, gently clutching a bear-skin blanket. His eyes open. He kisses you gently on the nose and says "that was nice." He informs you that he's called a Towncar to take you home. Derek Jeter then rises, stretches, and waves a nude hello to Manhattan from his apartment at the top of Trump Tower.
You quickly grab your undergarments, what is left of your pride and head down the elevator, wishing he had given you, at least, time to brush your teeth or take an awesome Vine to show your friends. After you walk out the Trump Tower door, you enter the black Lincoln Town Car.
The driver says, "Good morning, Ms. Walter. Mr. Jeter has left something for you." Of course you're hoping it's a key to his apartment (*his heart*), or his phone number. But no. To your surprise a cellophane-wrapped gift basket rests in the adjacent seat.
After the initial disappointment sets in, you think, "OK, at least this jelly of the month club is going to be pretty awesome. I mean, I didn't think asparagus preserves would be good but I'm willing to give it a try." Then you look closer, and see the following:
- A Derek Jeter stamp-signed knock-off baseball. You're pretty sure it's not authentic because it's a little un-round and you don't remember "Rollings" being a legitimate baseball company.
- A gift certificate for a bikini wax. Jerk.
- A voucher to be a "seat filler" for the wealthy New York businessmen that don't occupy the seats behind home plate at Yankee Stadium.
- $5 worth of those McDonald's gift certificates you used to get when you were a kid. You're actually pretty happy with that one.
What you just read was a rendition (with artistic license) of what reportedly happened to a woman whom Jeter had taken home. After the Yankees' captain ditched Minka Kelly, he apparently was enjoying the single life. If you believe the story, Jeter failed to remember taking this particular woman home not once, but twice. When she got in the towncar the morning after their second encounter, there, in the seat next to her, to her surprise, was the identical gift basket she had received after the first go-around. This leads to two somewhat logical conclusions: 1) Jeter does this for all or most of the women he takes home; 2) he did not remember that he previously had -- spent time -- with this lady.
In terms of real-life, sports news, and the Twins-Yankees rivalry, this was, and still is, a "nothing story." As far as the Yankees go, I have a strong dislike for them. But I really respect Jeter. He's always seemed like a classy guy on and off the field, and has had one hell of a career. This story -- even if true, and that's a big if -- does nothing for me. But it is humorous.
In the comments section, please share what other items Jeter could/should have included in the gift basket. Be creative and funny, but not disgusting.
Or, what would be good items in a Twins one-night-stand gift basket? Embers giftcards, a night at the FantaSuites in Burnsville, wild rice?
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