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  • Get out your brown paper bag, its going to be a long season. (Instructions included!)

    Thursday night's loss to the Blue Jays was down right humiliating--running into a tag for a double play, pop up falling to the ground while three Twins players watch it from two feet away, another four inning stink-fest from a starting pitcher. Need I continue? Any more memories and I might need to pull out my brown paper bag to keep from hyperventilating.

    In one of my early blogs, I said that the Twins are giving the term "the Bad News Bears" a whole new meaning. I wish I had saved that for this blog. The Twins have been playing horribly all year but Thursday night took it to a whole new level. Manager Ron Gardenhire said in his post-game comments that "Things happened out there that don't really happen in high school." Understatement of the year. The Twins are doing things that even little leaguers know better than to do. For a team that once prided itself on its defensive prowess they sure put on a clinic of how not to take care of business.


    The Twins can be described on defense as many things but the biggest thing that stands out seems to be the lack of focus. Not only is that dangerous as a line drive would get to you at third base in a hurry but it makes for one painful game to watch. Alexi Casilla's gaffe at second base that allowed Yunel Escobar to score from second on a grounder to third was not only pathetic but all too descriptive of the Twins' season thus far--just when you think something good has happened, the team will find a way to screw it up. Casilla made a nice stretch to catch the throw to second base but fell down and seemed to not realize that Escobar was indeed running home. As a professional baseball player, you must be focused on every play. Especially if there is a runner in scoring position. Escobar should never have made it home from second on an infield grounder. This is just one example from Thursday's comical defensive play.

    Offensively the Twins are atrocious. On Thursday they hit into multiple double plays in a game for the 10th time this season. As a team, the Twins are batting .238 on the season--ranking 28th in the league. They are 28th for home runs hit and 28th for runs scored. Correlation and causation? Oh I think so. It is enough to make you want to run and hide every time the Twins take the field or step into the batter's box.

    In light of the shortcomings of this motley crew of multimillionaires who are playing like they need to revisit the basics we all learned in tee-ball or little league, I have devised a way for us as fans to survive the season.

    If you are brave enough to attend a game at Target Field, here are instructions for you to make your own brown paper bag Embarrassment Mask:

    1. Go to your local grocery store and buy your favorite brand of antacids. Place in brown paper bag.
    2. When you get home and are preparing to leave for the game, take your antacids out of the bag and take prescribed dosage. Place empty bag on table.
    3. Place paper bag over your head to measure for where to cut out eye holes. Remove bag and cut out the circles for your eyes. Cut out a nose hole if necessary.
    4. Take your new mask to the game and place it over your head. This way no one will recognize you when you are either on TV or if you happen to be on KissCam... or any other fan cam at the game.

    Use your new mask out of embarrassment or to make a point to the team, your pick!

    If you are going to be watching the game from the comfort of your own home or if you are looking to suffer and go to Target Field, here are instructions for your own brown paper bag Hyperventilation Preventer:

    1. Obtain brown paper lunch bag.
    2. Grasp with the hand of your choice.
    3. Breathe into bag when the Twins begin to step on to the field.
    4. Continue as needed.

    In all seriousness, Twins fans are going to need to find a way to get through this season since it seems that the organization has already given it up for dead. Some fans will move on to other teams, others will stop watching and some will just wait for the Vikings season to start and hope that they do better. After building Target Field for our beloved team from Minnesota, the fans of the Twins deserve so much more and so much better than what we have been given. I, for one, feel betrayed by the Pohlads and the entire organization after okaying the stadium and then getting nothing in return as far as a team worth watching. I can't imagine how the citizens of Hennipin County must feel after funding the project.

    All one can do when their team is the embarrassment of Major League Baseball is hope for better days ahead and try not to hyperventilate. Keep that paper bag on hand, Twins fans. It is going to be a long season.


    This article was originally published in blog: Get out your brown paper bag, its going to be a long season. (Instructions included!) started by SpinnesotaGirl
    Comments 8 Comments
    1. Thrylos's Avatar
      Thrylos -
      Good stuff!
    1. Bark's Lounge's Avatar
      Bark's Lounge -
      Perfectly Put! VIVA St. Louis Cardinals!
    1. Top Gun's Avatar
      Top Gun -
      Can't Gardy take control of his team? better find someone else soon!
    1. Seth Stohs's Avatar
      Seth Stohs -
      Quote Originally Posted by Top Gun View Post
      Can't Gardy take control of his team? better find someone else soon!
      Curious how you suggest he do that?
    1. Fanatic Jack's Avatar
      Fanatic Jack -
      Seth,

      I think we should sign Gardy and his coaching staff to a lifelong deal. I know you believe he is the greatest manager ever. Come on hold somebody accountable.
    1. Seth Stohs's Avatar
      Seth Stohs -
      Quote Originally Posted by Fanatic Jack View Post
      Seth,

      I think we should sign Gardy and his coaching staff to a lifelong deal. I know you believe he is the greatest manager ever. Come on hold somebody accountable.
      I've never said any of that... My question is how people suggest Gardy "take control of his team?" Yell more? Get tossed out more? Start punching players?
    1. Thrylos's Avatar
      Thrylos -
      Quote Originally Posted by Seth Stohs View Post
      I've never said any of that... My question is how people suggest Gardy "take control of his team?" Yell more? Get tossed out more? Start punching players?
      The one thing he should be doing is not playing favorites. Liriano sucks, he is sent to the pen. Marquis sucks worse, he is kept in the rotation. Valencia sucks, he is sent to Rochester. Hughes sucks, he is waived. Casilla sucks, he is benched. Plouffe sucks worse, he is the starter at third base.
    1. Alex's Avatar
      Alex -
      Quote Originally Posted by thrylos98 View Post
      The one thing he should be doing is not playing favorites. Liriano sucks, he is sent to the pen. Marquis sucks worse, he is kept in the rotation. Valencia sucks, he is sent to Rochester. Hughes sucks, he is waived. Casilla sucks, he is benched. Plouffe sucks worse, he is the starter at third base.
      There at far more logical reasons for those moves than favoritism.

      Marquis has not been good, and I never liked the pickup because he obviously wasn't the strike thrower they said he was. However, he's been much better than Liriano, and there's really no way around that. Frankie has almost a 10 ERA, and he's walking 6/9, twice as many as Marquis.

      Hughes was out of options and never really showed much at any level, though it would have been nice had they moved a pitcher instead.

      Valencia had options and has been terrible for over his last 600 AB.

      Lexi was hurt and I think they pretty much know what they have there.

      Plouffe has had some good at-bats (I think he has the highest OBP of the bunch) and has shown more promise than Hughes. He's also out of options and younger than any of those you mention, so I'd think this is a last look to see if he could be part of the future. He definitely needs to step it up, but I don't think any of this has to do with favorites.
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