You Never Forget Your First
by, 02-29-2012 at 01:33 PM (724 Views)
Huh, so this is what it's like? Seems a lot like typing practice. Well, I guess I shouldn't judge. I've been blogging for 43 seconds now - maybe I should give it a little more time.
Or maybe not, since everyone has already projected the rest of Frankie Liriano's career from his first 17 spring training pitches, I shouldn't worry about projecting my blogging career from the first 17 words.
So what will this blog be like?
1) Intermittent - I have a full-time job and a couple of full-time hobbies besides following the Twins. I fully expect that I'll peter out after the first 4 or 5 posts and you won't see any new content until the All Star break (the NHL All Star break, that is). That's not really a bad thing. I'm not that interesting. And I'm sure I won't have anything interesting to post - so maybe I should quit now while I'm ahead. Nah, gotta finish the manifesto.
2) Infuriating - Check. If you've gotten this far without experiencing this yet - stay tuned.
3) Random - I don't have any particular passion. I like stats but would be hard pressed to define wOBA accurately. I like saying "wOBA" though; "wOBA, wOBA, wOBA". That should count for something. But I don't have a mission statement for this blog. Other much more talented and diligent authors in these pages have those bases covered. I might trot out a (half-baked) description of some stat and why paying attention to it has enhanced my appreciation for the game. Or, I might rant about Gardy's lineup choices (my wife has heard enough of my Nicky Punto rantings - so I'll share them with others - I'm sure you'll be just as impressed as she is). I might wax eloquent about Kramarczuk's sausages. I might taunt my brother and his nephew - they're Yankee fans. More likely I'll just post bitter recriminations.
4) Vocabulary building - I like big words. Sometimes I even use them correctly. You won't like this about me. Many of you will leave in disgust. Mission accomplished.
5) Analytical - Something else not to like about me. I think, I analyze, I over-analyze, I restate my postulates, I theorize, I pontificate and I summarize. This will not be fun.
6) Wordy - This isn't the same thing as #4 or #5. But it probably is a combination of the two. When motivated to expound, I do so at length. Yeah, an intermittent, random blog that tends toward extremely long posts. There's a recipe for success. I should have sponsors lining up by the weekend.
7) Generally intolerant of commenters - Comment as you wish. I'll probably read them, but I probably won't care. Given the blog description thus far, I would expect the vast majority of comments to be negative. If you really get that wound up about what I'm writing here I have two pieces of advice: (a) ignore me, and (b) start your own blog. I could turn comments off, of course, but that wouldn't be nearly as much fun as allowing comments and then mocking those whom I deem deserving. Of course, if you choose to post glowing, flattering paeans (there's one of those big words), I'll take them as a sign of my blogging brilliance and return the effusive praise. It will be a love fest. I don't think this will happen.
8) Overly punctuated - I like punctuation. Sometimes I even use it correctly; though not often. (See?) Comments on my grammar and punctuation choices will be assiduously disregarded. I like (parenthetical asides), "scare quotes" and run-on sentences with dashes - lots of dashes. I write the way I would speak - and I don't care to write <insert pause> all the time. A dash is much more convenient. And hey, this blog is all about me anyway. I don't know why you're still reading.
9) Not funny - I know I'm not as funny as I think I am. You can try to tell me that - but you're too late - I already know it. I may try to be witty at times, but it will just come across as pedantic, arrogant and self-absorbed. Yep. Guilty. By the way, nobody told you to waste time reading this - you really have your own free will. If you've already read everything else on Twins Daily and you just can't go to sleep without reading one last post, I respectfully recommend therapy. Or Scotch. I prefer The Macallan. 18 year old (if you're buying).
10) Disappointing - If you've made it this far, you're in for a real let down. See, a real writer - you know, someone with craft, wit, insight, creativity, someone like Joe Posnanski - they would hit you here at the end with some kind of amazing conclusion that made it all worthwhile. "That's why I kept reading this. Wow. This guy is a master, I never saw that coming." You wouldn't just write "LOL" you'd actually laugh - out loud. You'd post a comment, tell your friends, retweet it (whatever the hell that is) and generally bask in the glow. Good writing is that way. I know this; I have basked. I am not that writer. This blog will not have those kinds of beautiful 'aha' moments. If you somehow show the bad judgment required to make it all the way through any of my posts, you will - as likely as not - think something like "That's it? Really? I wasted the time to read that?!?! What a maroon!" (OK, so you probably won't use the term 'maroon' - but it's one of my favorite Bugs Bunny expressions, so I'd use it. Don't be offended if you thought of something else.) Anyway, if you come to this blog expecting anything more than disappointment, you'll be disappointed. It's all about setting expectations.
So, there you go. Long, rambling, infuriating and ultimately disappointing.
I'm off to a great start, don't you think?