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Kirsten Brown

Childhood Hazards

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Originally posted at kbro's baseball blog

We all had a good chuckle (and by "chuckle," I mean "eye-roll") when we heard that Anthony Swarzak cracked a couple ribs when he and a teammate engaged in what the team officially calls "horseplay." Now, we're hearing that Scott Diamond's bone chips -- you know, the ones that required surgery in December -- occurred because he was jumping rope.

It makes one wonder whether players participating in common children's activities is perhaps unlucky.

Fortunately, I am not the only one who is concerned by this. We here at k-bro's baseball blog have been granted exclusive access to the following directive.*

To: All Minnesota Twins Players and Prospects
From: The Minnesota Twins Training and Medical Staff
Re: Off-field Hazards

It has come to our attention that some players are engaging in risky behavior which has potential to result in injury. In order to mitigate this risk, we have deemed it necessary to mandate that the following activities and items are forbidden unless properly supervised by a member of the coaching or training staff.

  • Wrestling, tickling, tag, ghost in the graveyard, and other horseplay. It's all fun and games until someone cracks his ribs.
  • Jump rope, double-dutch, hopscotch, dodge ball, may poles, and other playground equipment. Again, it's all fun and games until someone needs bone chips removed.
  • LEGO® bricks, Hot Wheels® cars, Barbie® doll shoes, jacks, and other tiny items. You don't know true debilitating pain until have stepped on one of these items. Also, imagine the beat-down you'd get if Gardy stepped on one of these and found out you left it on the floor.
  • Nerf guns, darts, Red Ryder BB guns, tracer guns, bows and arrows, and other means to launch projectiles. It's a sure thing that if you play with these, you'll shoot your eye out.
  • Water balloons, squirt guns, water pistols, bubbles, super soakers, and other means to make the floors slippery (celebratory champagne exempted). Wet floors can cause slips and falls which endanger tailbones.
  • Video games, hand-held game devices, and other practically useless devices. Nothing irritates tendons and ligaments like repetitive stress disorders.
  • Paper airplanes, coloring books, paper dolls, and other things with sharp edges. These things can cause paper cuts that can get seriously infected. Besides, if you play with a paper doll of yourself, that means you're already injured.

We here on the training staff are certain that these preventative measures will help ensure an injury-free season.

So there you have it.

*Special thanks to Betsy and Babs for their help in obtaining this information.
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  1. PeanutsFromHeaven's Avatar
    And throughout the Twins Bullpen a mournful "Awww man..." is heard.

    At least until Jared Burton realizes that "dog poo" was left off the list and starts chucking it at Drew Butera in lieu of his usual warm up long-toss.
  2. Oldgoat_MN's Avatar
    Glad to see they are taking steps to insure the safety of our team.
    Good investigative journalism.
    Thank you

    (no mention of snow shoveling, though)
  3. ashburyjohn's Avatar
    Special memo to [insert your "favorite" whipping boy here]: feel free to engage in skydiving, hanggliding, Russian roulette and other activities not specifically forbidden in this list.
  4. glunn's Avatar
    This is hilarious -- thanks for making me smile.
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