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Axel Kohagen

Send Swarzak Squatching!

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It is time we all join together to accomplish a great thing, Twins Territory.

We must send Anthony Swarzak on a Bigfoot hunting expedition.

Swarzak has publicly discussed his interest in cryptozoology
. I'm skeptical about the existence of an unidentified , two-legged mammal remaining undiscovered by science for so long, but I'm definitely a supporter of encouraging curiosity into the unknown.

The Twins pitcher has taken enough ribbing for his curiosity about nature, and he needs a chance to get out there into the night forests. Sasquatch hunting isn't about dressing like a ghostbuster and talking in spooky voices. It can be a professional expedition with very real dangers from the natural world around the explorers.

Want a glimpse into what Swarzak would be getting himself into? Listen to this podcast where Lyle Blackburn shares stories from some of his trips.Lyle Blackburn writes about cryptozoology for Rue Morgue Magazine (find his stuff here).

Whether you believe in Bigfoot or not, you have to admit taking a Sasquatch hunting trip would be an amazing experience for Swarzak. Also, it'd be a nice reward after putting up with grief from friends and fans.

Why should Twins fans make this their mission, too?

1) Swarzak Stalks Squatches would be reality show gold. Especially if you add Lyle Blackburn (who is also the maniacal lead singer of hellbilly punk giants Ghoultown) and closer Glen Perkins to the cast. The FSN North article above suggests Perkins would make an excellent smart aleck skeptical character on the show. Who WOULDN'T watch it?

2) Reality show = extra revenue for the Twins during a rebuilding year.

3) Who helps pay for the show? Jack Link's Beef Jerky. I think I've already seen their mascot throwing out a first pitch at Target field, haven't I?

4) If Lyle Blackburn like spending time with the Twins, maybe he would write the team an anthem with some actual teeth. If nothing else, he'd meet Josh Willngham and hook the slugger up with his perfect walkup music.

5) Let's say the guys actually find Bigfoot. The Twins get mentioned in every newspaper around the world. Then, just maybe, Ken Burns has to spend some time talking about them in his next baseball documentary.

Let's get Swarzak out in the woods for the trip of a lifetime, Twins fans. We would all win.


For more on Mr. Horrorpants/ (also known as "Axel Kohagen") non-baseball writing, head to www.axelkohagen.com.
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  1. Oldgoat_MN's Avatar
    Obviously this has to happen.
    Would it be on Animal Planet, Syfy, TLC?
    Please advise.
  2. Neil's Avatar
    Now that you mention it, the Twins aren't mentioned more than once or twice in Ken Burns Baseball, are they?
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