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Axel Kohagen

The Snowed In Opening We've All Imagined.

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Weather reports tell me something wicked this way comes. I've got two gallons of gas for the snowblower and just enough left in my own tank to dig out from this one.

Downtown, Target Field better be ready. Come April, we're all coming over to watch the game.

With the weather waiting to pummel us yet again, how many of us are imagining a Wintery Wasteland Opening Day nightmare? Ever since they announced the stadium, the truly pessimistic of have smirked small, bitter smirks and imagined a snowpocalyptic first day for the hometown nine.

-- Dick and Bert in pom-pomed stocking hats, grinning through chattering teeth.

-- Players in ear-flapped hats shaking their head each time they walk up to the plate. Outfielders bouncing up and down to stay warm.

-- ESPN and other national sports outlets reveling in jokes about how cold things are in Minnesota. Minnesotans, upon hearing this, tune out and throw some more salt on their front steps.

-- Dozens of exactly the guys you'd expect arriving at the game shirtless. No one sees them crying the next day as they are treated for frostbite.

-- Cars spinning and careening off one another like bumper cars as they empty from the downtown ramps. Fans STILL refuse to hurry as they cross the street.

-- Each firework makes one cold farting noise and falls limply to the earth.

-- Fans make a snowman and spend the entire game trying to get a camera operator's attention.

-- The camera operators who always use the camera to scope attractive women refuse to talk to anyone/choke back tears.

-- No one slides. No one cares.

-- Someone makes a joke about the commercial where the California guy gets his tongue stuck to the flagpole. That person jokingly touches their tongue to the flagpole. That person realizes they've made a mistake.

-- A child tries to slide on a ice patch next to a child with a bloody head crying to a parent. The sliding child does not make the connection.

I believe in the Twins' grounds crew. They'll get the field right. The rest is going to be epically Minnesotan.

-Axel

For more on Mr. Horrorpants non-baseball writing, head to www.axelkohagen.com.
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  1. Old Twins Cap's Avatar
    Well, historically, almost anything can happen in Minnesota as far as snow and winter are concerned up through mid-April. In the old days, they used to schedule the Twins on the road for the first couple of series, calculating, correctly, that it is better to be playing in Minneapolis on April 10th than March 30th. But, global warming has changed all that, along with the three decades in the Dome, which allowed schedule makers to do whatever they wanted with the Twins schedule.

    And so, one of these years in Target Field, we will get burned, in a big way. Like a whole week is lost. Sure the field can get cleaned off, but there are snowstorms, cold weather, rain and general misery when it comes to early Spring in the Midwest. Is it this year? Might as well be. The Twins got nothing to lose playing the Tigers and especially up against Verlander. Let's play those games sometime in July or August, in double-headers, with minor leaguers pitching for the Bengals, shall we?
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