The Snowed In Opening We've All Imagined.
by, 03-03-2013 at 07:23 PM (524 Views)
Weather reports tell me something wicked this way comes. I've got two gallons of gas for the snowblower and just enough left in my own tank to dig out from this one.
Downtown, Target Field better be ready. Come April, we're all coming over to watch the game.
With the weather waiting to pummel us yet again, how many of us are imagining a Wintery Wasteland Opening Day nightmare? Ever since they announced the stadium, the truly pessimistic of have smirked small, bitter smirks and imagined a snowpocalyptic first day for the hometown nine.
-- Dick and Bert in pom-pomed stocking hats, grinning through chattering teeth.
-- Players in ear-flapped hats shaking their head each time they walk up to the plate. Outfielders bouncing up and down to stay warm.
-- ESPN and other national sports outlets reveling in jokes about how cold things are in Minnesota. Minnesotans, upon hearing this, tune out and throw some more salt on their front steps.
-- Dozens of exactly the guys you'd expect arriving at the game shirtless. No one sees them crying the next day as they are treated for frostbite.
-- Cars spinning and careening off one another like bumper cars as they empty from the downtown ramps. Fans STILL refuse to hurry as they cross the street.
-- Each firework makes one cold farting noise and falls limply to the earth.
-- Fans make a snowman and spend the entire game trying to get a camera operator's attention.
-- The camera operators who always use the camera to scope attractive women refuse to talk to anyone/choke back tears.
-- No one slides. No one cares.
-- Someone makes a joke about the commercial where the California guy gets his tongue stuck to the flagpole. That person jokingly touches their tongue to the flagpole. That person realizes they've made a mistake.
-- A child tries to slide on a ice patch next to a child with a bloody head crying to a parent. The sliding child does not make the connection.
I believe in the Twins' grounds crew. They'll get the field right. The rest is going to be epically Minnesotan.
For more on Mr. Horrorpants non-baseball writing, head to www.axelkohagen.com.