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Kevin Slowey was Framed!

The Gardy-Hicks Saga: Speculation Sentral

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Originally posted at Kevin Slowey was Framed!

On Tuesday night, Aaron Hicks made a nice running catch and flipped the ball with his glove to Brian Dozier, all in one motion. I cheered; Ron Gardenhire hissed. Gardenhire was likely upset with how nonchalant Hicks was or perhaps jealous of how silky smooth Hicks is. Regardless, an ensuing "conversation" in the dugout was caught on FSN's cameras and set off an explosion of commentary and crying (mostly from me).

Odds are, their conversation was about that play, but I can't help but think it could have been about something else. Here are a few working theories that I have:


Option 1 - Cold hands

Gardy: Hicksie, get over here.

Hicks: What's up skip?

Gardy: What did I tell you about leaving the hot plate plugged in while you're not in the same room?

Hicks: Don't leave the hot plate plugged in, it could start a fire.

Gardy: Right, and what did I see when I went into the clubhouse a few minutes ago?

Hicks: (sheepishly) The hot plate was plugged in.

Gardy: THE HOT PLATE WAS PLUGGED IN! DO YOU WANT TO START A FIRE? DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT HOT PLATE IS? I'M TEMPTED TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU!

Hicks: No! I need it!

Gardy: You NEED to understand that a fire in the clubhouse kills us all. Is that what you want?

Hicks. (more sheepishly) No...

Gardy: Look, I don't want to die out here. I got lots of stuff I still want to do. I'm abiti...

Hicks: (cuts him off) I was just using it to warm up my hands.

Gardy: DO YOU THINK THAT MATTERS? DO YOU THINK THE HOT PLATE KNOWS THAT? A HOT PLATE DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU USE IT FOR, IF YOU LEAVE IT PLUGGED IN, IT CAN START A FIRE! (pauses) I can't talk about this again, go sit down.


Option 2 - I ain't afraid of no ghosts

Gardy: Hicksie, get over here.

Hicks: What's up skip?

Gardy: What happened out there?

Hicks: I saw him.

Gardy: Saw who?

Hicks: I saw the ghost.

Gardy: You saw the ghost? What did we just talk about yesterday?

Hicks: You say there's no such thing as ghosts, but you aren't an expert.

Gardy: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY EXPERTISE? I KNOW MORE ABOUT GHOSTS THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW. I'VE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT GHOSTS THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY LEARN. I'VE LIVED THE GHOST-HUNTING LIFESTYLE AND IT IS NOT A LIFESTYLE I WANT FOR YOU... OR ANY OF MY PLAYERS! GHOSTS AREN'T REAL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Hicks: I know what I saw.

Gardy: YOU SAW NOTHING! (creepily calms into a zen-like trance) I'm tired of going through this with you, go sit down.


Option 3 - You can't eat the soaps

Gardy: Hicksie, get over here.

Hicks: What's up skip?

Gardy: I can't help but notice that the nice, decorative soaps that I put in the washroom are all wet and slightly smaller. I also can't help but notice that you were the last one to use the washroom. Care to explain?

Hicks: Uh, I washed my hands.

Gardy: Right, and I applaud you for that. However, what does the word decorative mean?

Hicks: That it's a decoration.

Gardy: EXACTLY! YOU DON'T USE THE DECORATIVE SOAPS, YOU ADMIRE THEM AND YOU ENJOY THEIR DECORATIVE PRESENCE, BUT YOU DON'T USE THEM! THAT'S WHY WE HAVE THE LIQUID SOAP!

Hicks: Isn't soap soap?

Gardy: IF SOAP WERE SOAP, THEN WHY IS SOME SOAP LIQUID AND SOME SOAP SHAPED LIKE LITTLE TWINS LOGOS? IF SOAP WERE SOAP, WHY DID I SPENT 30 MINUTES GIVING A POWERPOINT ABOUT THE NEW DECORATIVE SOAPS IN THE WASHROOM. I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO MY PRE-GAME SPEECHES. GO SIT DOWN; YOU GO SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!

Hicks: (hangs head, sits down)

Gardy: (muttering to himself) Is soap soap?


Option 4 - Apples suck

Gardy: Hicksie, get over here.

Hicks: What's up skip?

Gardy: What did you bring for the post-game treat?

Hicks: Uh, apples and juice boxes.

Gardy: Are you serious?

Hicks: Yeah, my nutritionist thought it was appropriate since we're all athletes and we need apples.

Gardy: Come on.

Hicks: I'm sorry, it wasn't my choice.

Gardy: Man, I wanted a candy bar or something.

Hicks: Can't you just get a different treat? You don't have to eat the apple.

Gardy: THAT'S NOT THE POINT! THE POINT IS THAT EACH PLAYER HAS TO BRING TREATS AND EVERY OTHER GUY ON THIS TEAM BRINGS SOMETHING DELICIOUS AND FUN AND YOU BRING APPLES WHICH SUCK!

Hicks: I didn't pick apples.

Gardy: OH YOU'LL BE PICKING APPLES! YOU'LL BE PICKING APPLES ALL DAY LONG IF YOU DON'T SHAPE UP AND BRING TREATS THAT EVERYONE ENJOYS! I'LL ANNEX YOU FROM THIS TEAM SO FAST! DON'T TEST ME! (points at Joe Mauer) LOOK WHAT I DID TO MAUER WHEN HE BROUGHT MILK!

(Mauer slowly rolls down his sleeves to cover the bruises, averts his gaze)

Gardy: Disgusting. Go sit down.


Option 5 - Deadliest Spoilers

Gardy: Hicksie, get over here.

Hicks: What's up skip?

Gardy: Did you watch Deadliest Catch?

Hicks: Yes! Can you believe that Junior stabbed Keith in the back like that?

Gardy: SPOILER ALERT, GEEZ HICKS! I asked if you watched it, not for a synopsis.

Hicks: I just assumed you saw it, since you asked.

Gardy: I'm sick of your assumptions! You need to assume that I haven't seen anything until I say that I have!

Hicks: Geez, I thought we were starting to really connect.

Gardy: YOU THOUGHT WRONG! YOU THOUGHT SO WRONG! SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN FOREVER!

Later, after the half-inning ends, Hicks starts to get up to go out into the field)

Gardy: WHAT DID I TELL YOU! SIT DOWN FORVER!

Hicks: *looks sad, hangs head, sits down forever*


Option 6 - Honest Abe

Gardy: Hicksie, get over here.

Hicks: What's up skip?

Gardy: Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.

Hicks: Um, Gardy?

Gardy: We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground.

Hicks: (to Justin Morneau) What is going on?

Gardy: The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

Hicks: Can I...

Gardy: It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth.

Hicks: I'm just going to go sit down.

Conclusion: Gardy has a short fuse; respects decorative soap.

Comments

  1. DutchFarmer's Avatar
    #4=Funny
  2. Brad Swanson's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by DutchFarmer
    #4=Funny
    Thanks, and a valuable public service announcement too.
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