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Axel Kohagen

A Spring Training Report From A Civil War Era Soldier.

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12 March, 2012.

Ft. Myers, Florida.


I trust this Letter finds you Well and in Good Health and Spirit. Tell Mother I miss her Hot Dish Casserole every Day.

I fear this Baseball Season will be what We feared it would be when this Spring Training Campaign began. It is now mid-March, as you can see, and we are still faced with the same Questions of last Year's horrid and shameful Defeat.

The Artillery was splendid yesterday, on 11 March 2012, but surely that one sublime Gift of Providence cannot mask our lack of long ranged Attack Options. The loss of splendid Players like Cuddy and Thome have done little to brighten our Moods. Indeed, some still moan the loss of the one they called Hardy.

We expect to defend Ourselves from The Heathen Foe, but for how long? The Men who lead our Defensive Efforts have not proven able, and yet have much Experience on the Field of Battle. Baker and Liriano show Flashes of True Inspiration, then fall into D---ed Slumps and are Themselves oft wounded. Pavano maintains a hearty Character full of Grit, yet he has aged so. I do not think I like the looks of this Marquis, and the less said about the one called Blackburn the better.

It is difficult to write with any Conviction or Certainty in the time of Preparation, yet one Thing remains clear - There is much to be cautious about in this 2012 Campaign.

Mr. H. Pants, Esq.

PS - If they are to begin singing that "Chicken Fried" Song again, I shall not be able to restrain from splashing my Vomit on the Dugout Floor.
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Comments

  1. Twins Fan From Afar's Avatar
    Love it.
    I think you would be remiss not to mention Drew Butera's bout with rehumatic fever, though.
  2. perkins7's Avatar
    This is so spectacular. Also of note is the lack of desire by General Ryan to revamp "Defensive Efforts" through mercenary reinforcements when those reinforcements were extremely cheap and signing one year deals for mere 2-3 millions of dollars. Woe is us come 8th innings to be!
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