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Message From The King: Best Seats In The House For Heckling The Yankees

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C’mon, you can admit it – it’s fun to hate the Yankees. Let go of your stoic Minnesotan demeanor for one minute and confess: you enjoy watching those pampered Gothamites get their come-upance. If they want to act like a bunch of fantsy-pants in their own stadium, surrounded by stockbrokers and thugs (and stockbroker thugs), that’s their business. But when they come to our quaint little ballpark, some plain talk should inform them that they can leave their overstuffed wallets in the locker room.

And you’re probably just the person to do it. Here are the Twins tickets you need to do the job.

Section 126 – Down the left field line.
I’m not ready to let go of the Phil Cuzzi call yet. I’m not that big. I’ll admit it.

If you’re like me and history repeats itself, you’ll be right there to see for yourself that it’s a fair ball. And perhaps point to the big freaking divot in the ground.

Section 14 – Third base
And since this time the Phil Cuzzi clone will need to be the 3rd base umpire (this isn’t a playoff game, so there won’t be an outfield umpire, as in Cuzzi’s case) you can verbally let him know that your friends in Section 126 saw the whole thing.

Section 128, 129, 229, 230 – The left field bleachers
Because you never know when the Yankees may bring back Chuck Knoblauch. It makes as much sense as trotting Vernon Wells’ undead corpse out there. (By the way, Wednesdays are $1 hot dog nights.)

Section 113-115 – G, H & J – Legends Club behind home plate
It’s sad, but many home plate umpires are intimidated by pinstripes. From your perch above home plate, you’re in the perfect position to remind tonight’s ump that he’s man enough to overcome his insecurities. (Or, if he’s not, to suggest the nearest local optometrist.)

Section 214 – Upper deck, behind home plate
These Minnesota Twins tickets are just below 2 Gingers Pub where Sue Nelson, the Twins organist, plays. She’s a lovely and gifted lady, and super-friendly to boot. But she may be tempted to play one of several New York anthems while the Yankees are in town, like Frank Sinatra, Billy Joel or Frank Sinatra. Gently let her know you don’t approve.

Section 233, 234, 235 and 236 – Over the bullpens
Please don’t tell Mariano Rivera he sucks, because he really, really doesn’t. In fact, if you really want to help out the Twins, tell him how much you LOVE retirement. Talk up the trips abroad and the time you have to get that “honey-do” list done. Maybe buy him a gold watch.

Sections 7, 8, 9 & 10 – The Champions Club behind home plate
At several hundred dollars for one of these Target Field tickets, you can bet some of these will be snapped up by big New York money fund managers rooting for their beloved Bombers. If you’re feeling gentle, encourage these fellows to go for fourths at the luxurious buffets that are comped. It shouldn’t take too much coercing to slip them into a fat cat food coma. Feeling more aggressive? Loudly proclaim some totally false insider trading information.

Section 11, 12 & 13- Right behind the Yankees dugout
Usually this would be a prime location to let Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez or Mark Teixeira know what you think of their play – and maybe their moms. But the Yankees have grown a little old and fragile this year, so those three are being replaced by Jayson Nix, David Adams and Lyle Overbay. It’s enough to almost make you feel sorry for them.

(Heh. Not really.)
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