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Fire Dan Gladden

A Fan's Crummy Team Manifesto

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Considering the Twins record this year, I too believe it is time for the fans to revolt. I think that a 6-16 record after a 99 loss season is reprehensible, and should in no way be tolerated in the state of Minnesota. I mean who do the Pohlads think we are? The Pirates? The Royals? That being said I have created a step-by-step guide in exactly how we should respond to our current situation.

1) The Twins fans need to form a PAC for the exclusive purpose of throwing out of office all of the lawmakers that voted for a new stadium. Seriously, after pumping hundreds of millions of dollars into this stadium, we have the right to expect this team to be in first place every year. Our lawmakers should know this and have now given up their right to represent us.

2) Fans should march on Target field and demand ticket refunds, along with an hourly wage, for the time spent watching every Twins home loss. Seriously. Watching this team lose is hard work. We deserve to get paid for that time.

3) We need to file a class-action lawsuit again the Pohlad family for ruining this storied franchise. Who do they think they are, running this team as a business, and not an all consuming hobby like George Steinbrenner or Mark Cuban. It is the right of every fan to expect their owner to put the fans needs in front of their own, and dump tens of millions of dollars into the team every year in an effort to win now. The lawsuit will demand that they sell the team through the form of an election, similar to a political election. The sales price will be set, and prospective owners will have to campaign and be voted in by the fans in the state of Minnesota.

4) New guidelines will have to be set for the new owner. These guidelines will include the following:
- The owner shall not have a payroll of less than $120 million dollars, with a minimum of 5% increase annually.
- Ticket price changes will be based on the number of wins the previous year. If the Twins win 90 games, than the ticket prices will be 90% of this year's price next year. Ticket prices can only go up if the team exceeds 100 wins. The exception to this rule being if the Twins win the World Series, ticket prices will not be lowered for the following year.
- The Twins need to go to the World Series no less than 3 times in any 5 year window.
- The team is required to win no less than 89 games every year.
If any of these guidelines is not met, the owner will be required to sell the team to somebody who can meet these criteria.

5) The new owner will implement the following rules for players and the coaching staff going forward:
- Injuries and days off will not be tolerated. Any player getting injured or needing a day off will be subject to a fine, with the proceeds going to the ticket holders for the games that individual missed.
- Any player not providing at least a +1.0 WAR every year is subject to forfeiture of their entire salary, and agrees to be sent to AAA until the team sees fit to recall them or release them with no financial obligations whatsoever.
- The manager and coaches will no longer be able to use the following words in describing their players: gritty, gamer, hustle(s), workhorse, or any other adjective along those lines.
- The manager and coaches will no longer be able to add the following suffixes to names to create nicknames for the players (for example: Blacky, Nicky, Matty).

We fans need to stand up for our rights. This poor showing will no longer be tolerated. We need to act now!!
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  1. Twins Fan From Afar's Avatar
    This was a really good read, and I laughed.
    If you were being serious, well, then, I also laughed!
  2. wreakshavok's Avatar
    I agree with alot of this so much its scary! after watching and or listening on radio since 1972, I ,m seriously considering to cancel my Extra Innings package that i covet on directv. I can't bring myself to it tho Its like leaving your wife of 40 years only because she hurts your feelings. Damn you twins!
  3. rogrulz30's Avatar
    Realistically the onslaught of fans being fed up with this team is happening fast, the Twins can't win ballgames this year with the pitching staff they have. This is really going to be an ugly, ugly year.
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